12 Things You Don't Have to Do

2. Climb Mount Everest:

When you climb Mount Everest, make sure to stop at the Starbucks near the summit. I recommend the oxygen-infused Caramel Frappuccino — it was a favorite of sherpa Tenzing Norgay.

Okay, I'm kidding about the Starbucks, but climbing Everest doesn't seem to be all that special anymore. A 15-year-old kid did it. A 70-year-old man did it. A naked guy even did it. Thousands of people have done it. There are more Power Bar wrappers and garbage in general on that hill than a New Jersey dump.

5. See the Great Wall of China:

It's like, a wall. A really, really, long one. We've got a pretty big wall down by the dumpster. Go out there, scrunch up your eyes and imagine the wall holding back the Mongol hoards instead of the refuse from Tim's lunch. You'll save a ton of money.

7. Have Sex in an Airplane:
Having sex anywhere is nothing to be sneezed at, but I don't understand the allure of screwing on a plane. For one thing, I need a 220-volt outlet for all my props.

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